Kurt Cobain's Journals: A Revealing Look At A Music Legend

More than any other source, Kurt Cobain's journals reveal the music that inspired him and the problems that plagued him.

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"Smells Like Teen Spirit"

Cobain came up with the song title "Smells Like Teen Spirit" (early lyrics from Cobain's journal pictured) while speaking with Kathleen Hanna of Bikini Kill. At the time, Cobain was dating Tobi Vail, another member of the band. While Hanna and Cobain spoke, the former spray-painted "Kurt Smells Like Teen Spirit" on his apartment wall.

Cobain thought this was a revolutionary slogan, but it was actually just the name of the deodorant that Vail wore.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Cobain's comics

Long before writing generation-defining songs for Nirvana, Cobain first learned the art of storytelling through the comics he would sketch inside his notebooks. Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Drawing skills

Cobain had a knack for drawing, which would often feature visceral imagery in his cartoons.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Cobain's commandments

Kurt Cobain's six commandments:

"1. Dont rape
2. Dont be prejudice
3. Dont be sexist
4. Love your children
5. Love your neighbor
6. Love yourself

Dont let your opinions obstruct the aforementioned list."Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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"Nevermind"

1991's Nevermind (rough draft of liner notes pictured) was the album that catapulted Nirvana into mainstream success. The first single's popularity, "Smells Like Teen Spirit," was enough to secure the number one spot on the Billboard chart, dislodging Michael Jackson.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Artistic control

Cobain was very picky about the artistic choices surrounding his music. He apparently hated the first cut of the video for "Smells Like Spirit" (his notes for which are pictured here) and insisted on personally re-editing the footage.

After completion, MTV took a total shot in the dark when they first aired the music video, given that they typically didn't premiere videos for bands with whom they had no history. Suffice it to say, the gamble paid off.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Cobain's many sides

To friends and family, Cobain was known for being equal parts moody and hilarious (the very dichotomy Cobain is expressing and poking fun at here).Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Behind "About a Girl"

Girlfriend Tracy Marander was Cobain's life raft after his mom kicked him out of the house for dropping out of high school and subsequently failing to find a job in 1985, which effectively made him homeless. Fittingly, he would soon write a song about the time he lived with her rent-free, "About A Girl," the lyrics of which include:

"I need an easy friend
I do with an ear to lend
I do think you fit this shoe I do, won't you have a clue?
I'll take advantage while
You hang me out to dry
But I can't see you every night
Free" Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Cobain the janitor

Cobain started working as a janitor for an industrial cleaning service at Marander's behest. This actually made things worse for Marander, who may have received the rent money but lost the house husband.

Considering Cobain was too tired to do the cleaning, the apartment the two shared began to stink. The five cats, four rats, a host of turtles and two rabbits sharing the studio apartment with them didn't help. Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Early songs

The songs listed here, which include "Hairspray Queen," "Mexican Seafood," and "Pen Cap Chew," are some of the earliest songs Cobain ever wrote. They would eventually be released on a compilation album titled Incesticide.

Cobain played these songs at Nirvana's first gig, a house show in Raymond, Washington on March 7, 1987. The show included Krist Novoselic, Nirvana's bassist, repeatedly jumping out of a window and two girls fighting over Michelob beer and a broken necklace in the kitchen. Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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"In Bloom"

Nirvana penned "In Bloom" to criticize people who didn't understand the band's message, and had never been part of the Washington underground music community.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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The seahorse

Cobain, who liked the symbolism behind male seahorses carrying their offspring to term, suggested a seahorse tour shirt for Nirvana. The shirt first made an appearance around late 1991 to early 1992.

Cobain also used a photograph of a seahorse giving birth as the cover for the 1993 single "All Apologies/Rape Me."Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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A life of emotional hardships

As many now know, Cobain suffered emotional duress for much of his life. His family had a history of suicide, and while Cobain was never officially diagnosed with a mental disorder, rumors abound that he may have been bi-polar.

While he indeed loved his parents, they were a major source of pain during his childhood. They divorced when Cobain was eight years old, kicking off a decade of hurt and despair.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Troubled childhood

Cobain's home life deteriorated quickly after his parents' divorce. His mother would become entangled with an abusive stepfather, and Cobain was often juggled between the two households.

Beyond a fractured household, Cobain's family grappled with financial woes. The family used to be so poor that the only vacations they could afford were camping trips. His sister, Kimberly, used to come along until his divorced parents started squabbling about child support payments. Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Cobain and the media

Cobain's relationship with the press was contentious, to say the least. He would take offense at journalists who tried to force hidden meaning into his lyrics or completely misunderstand his intentions.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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After Vanity Fair published a scathing profile of Cobain and new bride Courtney Love in 1992, Cobain wrote an angry letter to MTV for reporting on the story. An excerpt appears below:

"Dear Empty TV, the entity of all corporate Gods: How fucking dare you embrace such trash journalism from an overweight, unpopular-in-high-school cow who severely needs her karma broken. My life's dedication is now to do nothing but slag MTV and Lynn Hirschberg, who by the way is in cahoots with her lover Kurt Loder (Gin Blossom--drunk). We will survive without you. Easily. The old school is going down fast. --- Kurdt Kobain, professional rock musician. Fuck face."
Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Cobain's favorite bands

Cobain's list of favorite bands and albums evolved over the years. The one pictured here is one of the earliest.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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One of Cobain's earlier top bands lists. Bands such as The Vaselines, The Pixies, and Shonen Knife were mainstays for Cobain throughout the years.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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This top albums list features Young Marble Giants, The Breeders, Wipers, and Lead Belly.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Pictured: One of the last top albums lists Cobain ever wrote in his journals.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Body issues

Cobain despised the tough-love environment in which he grew up and the body image issues it caused. He wore multiple layers of clothes -- such as two pairs of long johns, jeans, multiple shirts, a sweater and a jacket -- to cover up for his smaller frame.

When he was younger, his father would frequently poke him in the chest with two fingers -- perhaps not physically hurting him, but definitely causing some mental scarring.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Father issues

One of Cobain's greatest fights with his dad came in high school during a varsity wrestling match. Cobain refused to fight, throwing the match to spite his father, who lived vicariously through Cobain's athletics.

"I waited for the whistle to blow, just staring straight into [his father's] face and then I instantly clammed up -- I put my arms together and let the guy pin me," four times in a row, Cobain told rock writer Michael Azerrad. Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Rejecting fame

Cobain never enjoyed his fame and fortune. In an anecdote shared in an interview, Cobain says that he treasured just going to the thrift store and finding something special.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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When the band went on tour in 1989, Novoselic became the de facto band manager and kept a very strict set of rules. Which is fair, considering that the band's van was his. Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Cleaning up their act

Novoselic and Cobain decided to start a cleaning service of their own after spending all the money they made on tour. Not a single person took them up on it. Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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A new artistic venture

Dale Crover was the drummer for the Melvins, a huge band for Cobain and a major source of inspiration.

Crover and Cobain would eventually form a very short-lived band called Fecal Matter in 1985. Songs from group's sole recording session remain unreleased.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Cobain's humor

Cobain's sense of humor is on display here:

"I like to fill my mouth with seeds and spit them out at random as I walk. I like to taunt small, barking dogs in parked cars. I like to make people feel happy and superior in their reaction towards [sic] people who are prejudice. I like to make incisions into the belly of infants then fuck the incisions until the child dies."Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Cobain's religious streak

Cobain went through a religious phase in 1984. He attended church regularly, cut out smoking dope, went to Christian Youth Group meetings and was even baptized, although his family didn't attend.

The phase lasted a couple months at most before Cobain gave up and started smoking pot again.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Cobain continues his previous meditation on culture with this journal entry.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Self-loathing

Cobain's constant sense of self-loathing was ballast to his desire to be popular. He would often wander away in social settings, for quiet moments to himself.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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"Heart-Shaped Box"

The imagery shown here would be seen again in the music video for "Heart-Shaped Box."Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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"Lithium"

Cobain wrote "Lithium" before he met girlfriend Tobi Vail, but over time the lyrics began to describe her.

In an interview with Musician, Cobain said the lyrics came from "some of my personal experiences, like breaking up with girlfriends and having bad relationships, feeling that death void that the person in the song is feeling -- very lonely, sick."Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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While Cobain had a troubled childhood, it doesn't mean it was spent without love.

Cobain recorded his first-ever demo on his aunt's four-track recorder. She still has recordings of Cobain playing around with it when he was a child, as seen on the documentary Kurt & Courtney.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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On authenticity

Cobain disliked society as much as he disliked himself. This isn't to say he hated the world all the time -- he still coveted fame before he got it -- but Cobain did loath inauthenticity. Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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"Come As You Are"

Cobain doodles his vision for the "Come As You Are" music video. As previously mentioned, Cobain liked to keep a strict level of artistic control over everything Nirvana did.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Cobain's understanding of punk

Cobain would draft letters in his notebooks before sending them out. Here, he explains to a fan that he didn't mean that punk was dead, just that it was dead to him.Internet Archive / CC0 1.0 Universal

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Kurt Cobain’s Journals: Inside The Mind Of A Music Icon

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In the early 1990s, Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain shifted popular music away from cheesy hair bands playing stale anthems and introduced grunge and alternative rock to mainstream audiences, making heavy, distorted guitars the sound of teen angst around the world.

Listeners far and wide devoured Kurt Cobain's sound. Indeed, the band went from playing music for a few hundred people in Seattle to filling stadiums across Europe. In the course of a few years, Cobain was transformed into the voice of a generation.

This came at a price: By the time Nirvana came back to the States, Cobain went from convincing people to buy his album to doing anything he could to get people to stop worshipping him. Cobain wanted none of what his music had wrought him; the musician already suffered from depression and social isolation growing up, and eventually rejected much of his own fame.

Cobain ultimately succumbed to the emotional pain that informed much of his music, and in 1994 he died by suicide at age 27 inside his Seattle home.

"Now he's gone and joined that stupid club," Cobain's mother said when she learned her son had died (referring to Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, Jim Morrison and the others in "The 27 Club" for famous musicians who died at age 27). "I told him not to join that stupid club."

Even though Kurt Cobain's death did put him in that club, he left behind a wealth of writings and drawings from his journals, a treasure trove for those touched by his music.

Those journals (largely written between and 1989 and 1990, when he also wrote many of Nirvana's most famous songs) have since been compiled into a book, transcribed and annotated excerpts from which you can see above.

Next, learn the story behind Kurt Cobain's suicide note. Then, see some of the most haunting photos from the scene of Kurt Cobain's death and discover why some say Cobain was murdered.