"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."
"Comedy is acting out optimism."
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."
"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."
"My battles with addiction definitely shaped how I am now. They really made me deeply appreciate human contact. And the value of friends and family, how precious that is."
"I'm a born entertainer. When I open the fridge door and the light goes on, I burst into song."
"But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to."
"What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong."
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, some get it as a graduation gift."
"There is still a lot to learn and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful."
"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say, 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'"
"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."
"If it's the psychic network, why do they need a phone number?"
"As beatific as Gandhi was, I'm sure there was some guy in a Bombay bar going, 'I knew Gandhi.. He was a prick.'"
"Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really."
"You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you're 18, but by the time you're 80, it's a picket fence."
"A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while."
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
"Politics: 'poli' a Latin word meaning 'many'; and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures.'"
"You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous."
"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."
"Death is nature's way of saying, 'Your table is ready.'"
"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."